Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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