We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
