Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
