I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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