These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
