Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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