We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
