All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
