It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
