I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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