my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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