the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
