his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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