Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
