Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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