I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
