I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
