We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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