I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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