I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
