I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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