are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
