I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
