I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
