RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
