I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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