I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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