so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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