Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
