After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
