Midget sex pt 2 tonight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
