I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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