They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
