Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
