I didn't shave. On purpose
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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