seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
