i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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