We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
