Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.