I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss