Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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