Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.