Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
