Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
