Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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