Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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