guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
