I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
