I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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