and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
