If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
