Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
