bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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