Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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