I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.