o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I met the friendliest cop last night
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
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yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
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I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time