at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
