apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
