when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize