sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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