You're my little dorito
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I wish life had little blips of pornography
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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