you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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