great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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