So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
