I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
