Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
