he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm passing your future prison.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
