I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
